Another attempt.

Posted on January 22, 2020 by Hannah

I often come and go from this blog, which is funny, because writing is such a big part of my life. I’m not sure why I can never keep at this, or keep going, but I figure now is a good a time as any to come back and try to keep it going.

I’m sat here, exactly 100 days away from my 30th birthday, watching Critical Role and unable to sleep in my beautiful studio flat, my rucksack packed and ready for University in the morning. I can’t sleep because I’ve got a horrible head cold/ear infection/throat infection that has moved down into my chest, but also because I’m making a fairly big change tomorrow.

It’s funny how much your opinions and attitudes change the older you get. I’ve spent the best part of my life until now too worried about what everyone else thinks. Worried I’m too fat to wear this or look like that, worried that I’ll look silly with this colour hair or that piercing. And y’know what? What a WASTE. I have wasted most of my twenties on fears and concerns about other people rather than just doing what I want to do. Now, I’m feeling braver and more sure of myself. I went back to University- a big, MASSIVE risk- because I WANTED to. So 2020 is the year of saying yes. I’m nearly 30, I’m only ever going to be ‘young’ once, and I’m not wasting any more of my life worrying about everybody else.

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Late night sleeplessness.

Posted on August 2, 2018 by Hannah

Okay.

 

It has been around five months since my last blog post. And what a five months they have been. I don’t want to go into it all now; I’m too bleary eyed to do so. Needless to say I probably will, at some point.

 

I have no idea where I am going with this post.

 

I used to have nights like this often. Nights where I would toss and turn and go into several different positions in my bed, do all the relaxing techniques I know of and sleep just wouldn’t come. So I traipse downstairs and listen to rubbish on my laptop or on the TV until I either fall asleep for an hour or so on the sofa, or climb back up the stairs to my bed for a couple of precious hours of sleep. It used to happen when I had school the next day, too, which was torturous.

 

Especially if I had double Maths or Science the next day.

 

Now, I’m not sure of the reason. I had counselling this evening, but it was a fairly positive session for once. Lots of things are going on at present but I’ve got the summer holidays and I’m feeling pretty relaxed. I’m travelling to Manchester tomorrow for a talk on Mary Shelley, so I need to be a bit bright eyed and bushy tailed. Which I probably won’t be now.

 

Oh well.

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About me- the redux

Posted on February 13, 2018 by Hannah

So, as I said in my last post, it has been a fairly long while since I blogged here. There are a plethora of reasons for that- mostly involved with tech and teething issue with my domain name but I am hopeful that those are all sorted now!

Reading back through my blog I am struck by how much I have changed since I started writing it nearly six years ago.

Six years!? Six years.

So many things are different now. So many things can- and have- happened in that space of time. It’s over half a decade now since I began this blog as an attempt at ‘fat fashion’ before I very quickly felt out of my depth and uncomfortable in my surroundings as a fatshion blogger. Not that I have anything against fatshion or body positivity. I’ve just learnt a lot about myself, and about my health, and come to my own conclusions about things. Of course I think it’s important to feel comfortable in, and love, the body you are in for however long you are in it. Whether you are striving to lose weight or very happy where you are, everyone deserves to feel happy and comfortable in themselves.

Subsequently I moved fairly quickly on to becoming an ‘alternative’ blogger, focusing on fashion, beauty and lifestyle. And here I have stayed!

However, not necessarily here. On this blog. I have branched out to Instagram, which is something I am a little bit, low key obsessed with because I love the fact that I can share short, single picture (or more) snapshots of my life with the whole world. I have also of course branched out to YouTube- still have only a small number of subscribers but I am enjoying learning how to make better videos and the whole process that comes with filming.

More than this blog and my space on the internet, though, I have changed. I am not the person I was when I first sat down, logged into WordPress and started to type nearly six years ago. I have six years more experience walking this planet than I did then. I am just a few months over two years away from my thirtieth birthday, whereas then I was just a few months away from two years after my twentieth. I am two years into a career that I am not certain about with every passing day. I am more in debt but I have more savings. I have learnt things about myself and I have learnt things about the world. My family has expanded in the shape of a Sister-In-Law and a step niece. I am more confident in myself and I am more willing to seek help when I need it. In many ways I am stronger but in so many ways I am more scared than I ever was.

So. About me now.

My name is Hannah and I am a twenty-seven year old primary school teacher from the UK. I still live in my family home but that’s okay because the cost of living in modern England is sky high. I am tattooed and pierced, but I have to hide part of myself in a traditionally reserved work environment. I am unashamedly myself in all other aspects of my life. I am a girlfriend, a sister, a daughter, an Auntie, a niece, a sister in law, a cousin, a granddaughter.

I am me.

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Boho Goth (Collab)

Posted on January 31, 2018 by Hannah

So these photos have been sitting ready to upload here for days, but I was unsure how to write this! Y’know, how to start? It’s been so long since I wrote a proper blog post, and this one is a really cool one!

Something that has struck me recently is lots of talk (especially on the Goth side of YouTube) about ‘types of Goth’ and ‘what type of Goth are you?’. It amuses me somewhat, because I remember how desperate I was to find ‘my kind of Goth’ when I was first starting out. Nowadays, not so much. I kinda take different pieces and bits from here and there to just create me. I pretty much wear whatever I want to wear, to be honest!

However, it definitely goes without saying that there are ‘types’ of goth. You have your big ones, the main draws to the scene- the vampire, Victorian, trad, romantic and nu goths. But there are lots of other types of Goth that I think can sometimes get overlooked.

Such as Boho Goth.

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This is my take on Boho Goth. When I hear the word Boho, I immediately think hippy, New-Agey sort of vibes. Is that just me? And I guess I’m showing my age here but I also think Sienna Miller and Kate Moss. That’s not necessarily something that screams Goth straight away. However, I soon realised that I could get those hippy, Moonchild Boho vibes with this Killstar maxi dress and a beautiful velvet, fringed kimono from Primark a few years ago.

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It somehow felt the wrong sort of weather for this kind of outfit, but I definitely enjoyed putting it together! The shoes were something of a struggle for me- neither combat boots nor creepers nor New Rocks seemed fitting!- but I remembered I have a pair of black fabric-strapped flip flops in my wardrobe and so out they came.

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Accessory wise, I went with silver hoops, pentagrams and a simple silver ankh. Again, those esoteric New-Agey vibes seemed to be the way I was going. I also wore my black vintage fedora hat because for some reason a hat seemed to give me extra Boho feelings!

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So, how do you think I did? I don’t think I did too badly at all! If you have any suggestions for future ‘lesser known Goth styles’ I could have a go at, do let me know down below!

ALSO- this post was written in collaboration with the lovely Vansheeka from India of the blog Goth Girls Grail (Insta: the_midnight_temptress). Please do click on the links and check out her version of this look!

Posted in Collab, Daily Look, Fashion- High Street, Fashionista Musings, goth | 1 Comment

Sorry not sorry.

Posted on January 22, 2018 by Hannah

Ahoy, there, written blog!

WOW this feels intensely weird. But I’ve missed it all the same!

I have been struggling with trying to fix a domain name issue for the past YEAR. No word of a lie; I tried desperately to make a written-blog-comeback around this time last year (or a year and a half ago) but to no avail.

So now is the time- I’m back!

You might have been keeping up with me on my YouTube channel. If not, it’s okay. I will forgive you. However I missed writing. I missed the fact that I can always feel completely honest when it’s just me and my laptop and my keyboard. Writing is something I live and breathe and always have. Words are a part of me, an intrinsic part of me and have been since I taught myself to read at the age of two.

Y’know what though, reading back on this blog… I am such a different person now to the one I was even two years ago when I last posted. I have qualified as a Primary School teacher now; I completed my NQT year last year. I have been through two breakups and seen my baby brother marry. I’ve gained a sister (in-law) and a (step) niece. I have started to seek proper help for my anxiety and depression and the myraid of issues contained within my brain, through both talk-therapy and medical intervention. I have grown and I have been hurt, I have lost weight and I have gained some of it back, I have begun to learn to relax and let go and move on from all the rubbish and the pressure I have always forced upon myself for my life to be a certain way.

I return to the blog embarking on a new relationship (it’s funny, that’s not the first time I’ve included that on a blog ‘return’ post) and thinking more positively about my future than I have in a long time. And that’s with everything, not just him (although I have good vibes). I feel positive in my career, in my prospects, in myself.

The great irony is I am writing all of this in the midst of a downward mental health day. Wading through a quagmire of anxiety and self loathing, I can see the light at the other side. The fog is dissipating, somewhat. It doesn’t feel as all consuming as it once would.

I don’t know. Maybe I’m just older and wiser and have more grey hairs and more life experience. I don’t know what this space on the internet will be for me any more. Whether it will still be the structured alternative blog it used to be, or whether I will use it to document and vent and write my feelings for the world to see.

Who knows. Maybe the next post I write will be in another two years apologising for my absence. But I hope not.

I’m done apologising.

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26 elephants in the room

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Hannah

Hoookay. It’s about time I addressed these elephants; my 26 before 26 things.

Let’s be real here. I ain’t gonna achieve all 26 things. So how about a recap, and then I move on and start thinking about (more realistic) goals for before 27… because I am nothing but a glutton for punishment.

 

1- Read 30 new children’s books (30/30)

I’m actually going to tentatively mark this and the next one off as complete- I’ve utterly lost count of what I’ve read and how many but I think I probably did manage to reach these goals.

2- Read 25 new YA/adult books (25/25)

3- Lose some weight

Again… Yeah, I kinda did lose some weight. Not much, but some!

4- Change my hair again

I’m not cheeky enough to think that I managed to do this. I haven’t changed my hair that much since my last birthday… so no. And it ain’t gonna happen in the next month- unless you count possibly buying a wig!

5- Get a tattoo

Nope. Pricing up some though!

6- Pierce my ear again

Nope but again- see above.

7- Run another 5k in less than 45 minutes

Aha! So blooming optimistic of me. No way this is going to happen- neither is the next one. Or the next…

8- Run a Tough Mudder

Nope.

9- Get a first draft of my novel written

Again- what was I thinking!?

10- Visit 3 new places

Unfortunately not- though it was an interesting and not too unrealistic goal!

11- Have at least £1000 saved

No, I have too many outgoings! We’ll see if I can manage some savings by next year, though.

12- See the Northern Lights

Nope- haven’t managed to see these yet. Maybe next year?

13- Have afternoon tea

I’m actually having afternoon tea with my parents and boyfriend for my mum’s birthday this weekend, so BOOM. Done.

14- Buy a corset

Yep- bought a cheap(ish) one for my Halloween costume (a corset is a requirement when one is dressing as a dead Victorian lady of the night, of course!). So even though it’s not a decent one I’d wear more often, I’m still counting it!

15- Continue to learn French

I’m tempted to mark this as completed, because I am teaching it! Which is rather hilarious…

16- Visit Paris

Nope, but I might just manage this over the summer so fingers crossed.

17- Go on a trip by myself (doesn’t have to be far away or overnight)

Yep!

18- Throw a dinner party

Nope- but I am chomping at the bit to do this soon!

19- Pick up the cello again

I failed miserably. I REALLY need to do this though!

20- Learn geeky cello tunes

See above!

21- Succeed in my training year

I’m calling this done. I may not complete it with the highest marks in the end, but I’m actually doing pretty well right now and I’m damn proud of myself.

22- Try some Pinterest recipes (2/10)

I can’t remember how many I have done but not quite 10, I don’t think. Probably will keep this for next time though because I just have too many pins not to try out!

23- Continue running

I failed miserably at this. But hopefully I will be running again from now on!

24- Get back on the ‘scene’

I think my boyfriend would agree I managed this one!

25- Visit Ollivander’s

YEP! And I got ‘my’ wand, even though I wasn’t chosen for the experience. It was AMAZING.

26- Post a blog once a week

Ha, we won’t go into this one too much.

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Hopping back on the workout wagon.

Posted on March 30, 2016 by Hannah

I think it’s pretty understandable for me to confess that I’ve pretty much done no real working out since I started my teacher training course.

Getting to grips with all the planning and paperwork and marking and reading and everything I’ve had to do has left me with hardly any time to do anything and in the free time that I do have? Sitting on the sofa doing NOTHING is much, much more attractive than doing some kind of exercise. Anyone who has ever been in the teaching profession can probably attest to that.

However, I’ve been actually feeling kinda antsy, itchy, irritable lately. Annoyed with myself and irritated that I’ve started to slide back and feel unfit again

Could it… could it be that I… MISS exercise?

Lemme tell you that it’s a good job I’m sitting down right now.

So yeah, I admit it. I’ve become one of those people and I missed exercise. Therefore, I wanted to do something about it. And I wanted to do something adult about it because my birthday is looming and it’s an awfully adult sort of age so I thought pretending to be a grown up might be kinda fun.

Where I’m working for next year is quite near to the location of my (most) local easygym, which I saw advertised whilst exploring the shopping in the town (note to self: crap, but a well stocked Holland and Barrett. Proceed with caution). Cautiously curious, I checked it out online and thought to myself “… Huh. This actually sounds pretty good.” No joining fee? No contract? A monthly fee that would give me change from £20? It was worth a look. I mentioned it to my mum and she also sounded interested, so I booked us in to have a look around on Easter Monday and we went, dressed for a workout. The facilities are HUGE with an open-plan sort of arrangement, with a tonne of cardio and resistance machines, a pretty sizeable free-weights area and a ‘free zone’ with stretching and ‘toning’ equipment and a load of yoga mats by a mirrored wall. We thought “why not”, shrugged, signed ourselves up (less than a tenner for the first two months!) and had a work out.

Well, I was so shocked at how unfit I was, but determined to see it through. We went back again this morning and I managed a 10 minute jog/run. Whilst on the one hand that was frustrating- less than a year ago I was comfortably and happily running 5k weekly- I forced myself to see the positives. I -RAN- for ten minutes, after about six months of doing nothing. I persevered when it was feeling a bit hard and my legs were a bit sore and my breath was heavy. That in itself is a victory.

So I’m back on this here wagon and hoping that I don’t fall off. Even if I only manage to go once a week for the forseeable future, I’ve already made back my money- ‘day passes’ would cost £7.

Here’s to the future and getting back to running comfortably by the summer!

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Tales from teaching…

Posted on March 21, 2016 by Hannah

So I’ve been considering starting something of a new series on this here blog, dedicated to the things I’ve learnt and the experiences I’ve had whilst teaching.

OBVIOUSLY I will be keeping it totally professional and including neither names of places nor of people but I think it may be useful for anyone who is considering getting into the teaching game (as it were) and also it may be interesting for any of my normal readers to see just exactly what I’ve been doing with myself when I’ve not been blogging here!

I thought about this today as I am currently curled up in my bed, having been suffering with the WORST migraine (I’ve actually never had a migraine before to my knowledge, so it was kinda terrifying) and all round dizziness/nausea and had about two hours sleep last night so as I stumbled to the bathroom this morning, mum told me to get back into bed and they frantically rang my school to let them know. I feel incredibly guilty- I HATE missing work, I’ve only missed two days so far because I suffered with Labyrinthitis before Christmas and couldn’t actually stand up straight- but there was no way I could drive myself to work this morning, let alone stand up in front of a group of ten year olds and teach them about poetry and various other things. My headache has eased off and is now just a generally unpleasant pain right at the back and base of my skull but I am still ridiculously dizzy- me trying to climb down the stairs to get a drink earlier was hilarious for anyone watching, I can only assume- and the only way I am able to read is by wearing my glasses (and my eyes are still blurry and moving in and out of focus constantly) and use my laptop is by turning the brightness right down, and it still hurts. But I have work to do, including resource creation for a Geography lesson tomorrow, so I need to grit my teeth and get on with it.

And that’s something I’ve learnt from teaching so far. Resilience. I have built up my own levels of resilience but also learnt that I am much more resilient than I ever thought I was. However, I have also learnt that sometimes, you just have to take a step back, be honest and say “…no. I can’t do this” or “I need some help.” The government do their very best to grind us into the ground constantly, they don’t need our help to do it. And I’m not saying you should take a day off work whenever you feel like it. I’m just saying that sometimes it’s okay and actually may be sensible to take the time to rest and recover. If you make yourself sick by pushing yourself to the limit on a constant basis, you’re only going to make things worse for yourself- and for your students!- in the long run.

Love yourself, because enough people will hate you for being a teacher!

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Is anyone alive out there?

Posted on March 20, 2016 by Hannah

WOW.

So… I haven’t blogged in a fair few months. I knew doing my teacher training would be hardcore but I don’t think I realised quite how hardcore it would be. All my best intentions of still maintaining weekly blogs and YouTube videos went flying straight out of the window pretty quickly.

However, I like to think I’ve got a bit of a hang of things now and so am tentatively hoping to get back to weekly blogs.

So, here’s a massively photo heavy post to get you up to speed on the time I spent from August 2015 right up to mid-March 2016!

NOTE- all of my photos are from my instagram (@smaugish) so I apologise for how awful the quality will be, on the whole!

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I fell in love with Kat von D’s liquid lipsticks and began to pray she brings her stuff to the UK… rumours abound that this may be the year!

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I went to Bloodstock… ish. It’s a long story but basically after an abortive start, my dad bought himself a day ticket and drove himself and I back up for the Sunday to see ROB ZOMBIE. Which was AWESOME.

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I made my brother possibly the most awesome birthday cake ever… it was delicious.

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I bought a blender thing and officially became a food hipster.

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I started my teacher training!

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I started dating someone in August… and started our relationship a few months later over the New Year.

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I submitted to the hype… and got the Naked Smoky palette. It is AWESOME.

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I had some fun with my work wardrobe and trying to dress like a ‘goth teacher’… see below for more!

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I took part in vegan October… it was actually easier than I expected and something I’m considering on a more full time basis!

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I appreciated my downtime much more and dressed more ‘goth’ at every opportunity.

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Even my more casual ‘dressing down’ uniform became ‘goth-tastic’

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I also added some more bits to my wardrobe, including this gorgeous Victorian style dress from Primark of all places.

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I had fun dressing up as a Ripper victim for Halloween, including a corset… LOVED this costume, might have to do it again sometime!

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Went through the heartbreaking decision to say goodbye to our beautiful boy, Spike, after he became too poorly to go on. Still miss him to this day. RIP bumface.

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Mum and I made our annual Christmas pilgrimage to Manchester and had the best time.

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Manchester is one of my favourite cities and it always looks beautiful at Christmas!

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I added some truly amazing pink reindeer earrings to my Christmas wardrobe.

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Got some amazing Christmas presents, including a very late letter from Hogwarts.

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I wore potentially the sparkliest dress on Christmas day and haemorrhaged glitter the whole day.

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Wore Ruby Woo and had serious brow game on the 25th too.

 

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Battled the post-Christmas sales looking uber-goth with Nyx Liquide Suede in Stonefox

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Went to my first NQT teaching job interview (and got the job!) in January.

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Experimented with back-combing and a more trad goth sort of look.

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Finally indulged in (and became addicted to) a pair of Demonia boots.

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Welcomed a new fur baby to the family- this is Rosie but I call her Wiggle.

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Had a lot of good outfit days.

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I’m trying to give myself reading time every week. It’s got mixed success- I’m still reading The Darkest Part of the Forest but I am thoroughly enjoying it!

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Another good outfit day… that scarf is from Claire’s Accessories, if you would believe it!

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Subscribed to my first ever box- Spooky Box Club! First box was amazing, I may try and film an unboxing when my next one comes!

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Dressed as Boudicca (the queen of the Iceni, not my dog!) for World Book Day.

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Got stuck in PGCE assignment hell!

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Continued to rock my ‘goth teacher’ style… and good golly is my hair getting long!

 

So that’s us all up to date! Now… here’s hoping I manage to post soon?

 

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Bloodstock 2015- My Festival Style

Posted on July 31, 2015 by Hannah
Bloodstock 2015
So looks like I’ll be able to go to Bloodstock Open Air Festival, 2015 after all!
Seriously… I know I’ve been on the most amazing holiday ever, and I don’t want to sound like a brat, but I was really worried I wasn’t going to be able to go to BOA. And it’s become part of my year, y’know what I mean? This year will be my sixth year there, and it’s one of the best lineups they’ve been offering in recent years, so I really didn’t want to miss it.
But lo! My heavy metal Fairy Godmother came and told me “You shall go to Catton Hall!” and now I’m super excited and thought I’d do a post detailing what I’m thinking of taking with me to wear over the weekend.
Okay y’all. I have to admit, if you hadn’t already expected it; my festival style is a little different to the norm. You probably won’t find any floaty kaftans or dresses or fringing and flower crowns here (though I might take my eyeball flower headband, just for kicks). Bloodstock is a metal festival, so the first thing on my list to pack is:
Band T-Shirts
I don’t often get to dip into my extensive band t-shirt collection these days, so Bloodstock is the perfect opportunity for me to do so. I usually like to take a t-shirt from each of the headliners to wear, but I actually don’t have a Trivium or Within Temptation t-shirt. However, I do have a Rob Zombie shirt so I will definitely be taking that one! I probably will take my Watain Black Metal Militia shirt to wear one of the days because it’s one of my favourites, and maybe a Powercake t-shirt to co-ordinate with my brother and his friend (Powercake is their band, check them out here– they’re really good!). On top of that, I might take one of my previous BOA t-shirts to wear, and I’m not sure what else. Four t-shirts should be ample, though!
Battle Jacket
The army jacket in the picture is just representative of my battle jacket; it very surely is not my battle jacket, ha! If you’re not hot on metal fashion/habits, a battle jacket/battle vest/kutte is basically a vest, usually (but not always) a cut-off denim vest upon which the wearer sews or glues patches to do with their favourite bands or patches from shows they’ve been to. My battle jacket is an army surplus jacket I bought a while ago, cut off the sleeves and have stuck on patches from various BOA’s of yore and bands I like. A camo battle jacket is a bit unorthodox and, dare I say it, controversial in the community but I don’t really care! I probably will start a new one, and it will probably be a little more of an orthodox black denim one, but we’ll see.
Leggings/Skinny Jeans
So I’m not quite sure what I’m going to take to wear on bottom. I want to be comfortable, so probably leggings, but I might also take my ripped Yours skinny jeans for another option. The leggings I’m going to take will probably be my skeleton leggings, and maybe some camo leggings as well.
Boots
I’m going to take my (fake) Docs for sure; they’re comfortable to drive in and comfy to wear all day. I might also take my New Rock boots as well, just for old time’s sake!
Accessories
I will most definitely be taking my Banned Apparel glow-in-the-dark skeleton bag, because that is my favourite bag and it’s a perfect size. I might slip my studded sunglasses in, just in case a miracle occurs and it’s sunny next weekend. And I’ll definitely be taking a necklace or two- my ankh necklace is probably a shoe-in as I wear it more or less every day anyway!
Make Up
And of course, I can’t go away for a weekend without a scrap of makeup! I usually take some of my cheaper stuff with me, just to make sure nothing decent gets lost or ruined. But as I’m not going to be camping this year, I can take some better stuff! I’ll be packing a couple of different lip products so I have several options- my Kat Von D Everlasting Liquid lipstick in Echo is a good choice because it’s so long lasting and it’s such a good colour, one of my Revlon Matte Balms just for the ease of application and colour offering, and maybe one or two others depending how I feel. I might not want to go full on with the base but I will probably take my Urban Decay Naked Skin concealer (not pictured) to brighten and cover blemishes and bags, and for eyes I’ll take my Kat Von D Tattoo liner in Trooper (that thing DOES NOT BUDGE) and my Rimmel waterproof Scandaleyes mascara- or maybe my Urban Decay Perversion mascara (not pictured).
I’m so excited! I might try to put some new patches on my battle jacket before I go, and re-inforce/restick/attempt to resew some of the ones that are already on there. Are you going to any music festivals this year, or have you already been to one?
Posted in Beauty, Lifestyle, Makeup, Music | Tagged , , , , , , , , , , , | Leave a comment